Friday, 1 April 2011

The Only Way Is Essex: Official Guide

A friend’s new junior receptionist, Billericay-born and bred, recently enquired whether ‘Easter Sunday is on a Monday this year.’ Bless! Could Simple be the make-up remover of choice for your average Essex girl? On the back of the new series, here’s the official guide to how to live it large like a Loughton lass. Let’s see? A frock from Miss Piggy Modes, towering Loo-Boo-’ans, a face like a baboon's behind, fake tits that would protect you in a 150 mph full on car crash and a spray tan that screams ‘radioactive carrot.’ Veneered and vajazzled, you aim to cop off with a bit of class at Faces nightclub - Jack Tweed’s mate Mark, a (stud) muffin with all the sex appeal of one of Nanny Pat’s half-baked sausage plaits? Given the cast’s communication skills, what you get are lots of pretty (damn scary) cast pictures and few words of more than one syllable. No? Shut up!

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