Two-bit Tassel Twirlers

It’s been several years now since the burlesque revival took off. Executed with wit, élan and the right ratio of bump to grind, glamour pusses such as Immodesty Blaize and Dita Von Teese -their sophisticated tease sharper than the cup of a Jean-Paul Gaultier conical bra - have elevated their métier to an art-form. Now, it seems every old neighbourhood bar is jumping on the bandwagon, showcasing ‘artistes’ who are basically in it for pin money. At an East End dive, I sat, cringing, while two Readers’ Wives liberated their blubber from cheap nylon basques, wiggled their cellulite-y asses in our faces the unsuccessfully attempted to twirl their tassels to that old Peggy Lee chestnut, I’m A Woman. Yes dears, and so is Vanessa Feltz but I wouldn’t pay to see her flaunt her bits either. Cover up and leave it to the pros: bargain basement burlesque is getting on our tit ends.